You need to go. You can stay.

On my short drive to work, I often find myself listening to a local station's segment "Things That Must Go".  It got me thinking, what needs to go in my life? Here's my small list:

1. Bad-tasting envelopes.  I have to do my fair share of licking and some taste better than others. The envelopes I licked for Valentine's cards for my ma and ma-in-law tasted infinitely better than the ones at work. I plan on making my millions inventing a new lickable glue that tastes decent. 

2. Utah drivers HAVE to go. Preferrably off a cliff. I swear, some of these people drive around with their heads up their butts.  Or learned how to drive from an Asian grandmother. Probably both.  I've told Spouse it will be a heavenly miracle if we live in this state and graduate college without getting into an accident on account of some idiot. 

2.5.  Utah poops....I mean poofs. Same thing. This shiz is ridiculous. 

Try not to vomit.

3. Velvet. Why does this stuff even exsist? I can't even touch it without my teeth hurting and/or getting goosebumps. Spouse has some shirt hangers that are covered in this junk and when I hang up his laundry, the feeling of his shirt touching that nasty hanger is enough to make me ram my head through a wall.  Seriously, its a problem.  Boyfriend thinks its funny to chase after me with said hangers and rub them on me. What a sicko.

4. 3-D movies can peace out.  I saw Avatar in 3-D, but that movie was made for 3-D.  Everything else afterwards is a sad attempt to get more money out of moviegoers and to give me a headache. 

5. People that say "Crackel Barrel" and not "Cracker Barrel".  Dear Utahards, don't tell me I talk funny when you can't say words correctly either.

6. Crappy, wobbly carts at grocery stores. I have a sixth sense for finding these awful contraptions. I dislike the public enough, combined with this horrible hindrance, I get road rage with my buggie. I've always had this fantasy of ramming my car into the side of a cop car and then driving off, tires screeching in a cloud of smelly rubber-smoke (I know, I'm weird.) I have the same fantasy in the aisles of Winco,  just substitute buggies and college kids in sweats for the cop car and resulting warrant. 

You guys can stay:

1. RuPaul's Drag Race. I. Love. You.

2. Dog shaming. It's hilarious and sort of makes me glad I don't have an animal to clean up after.  Some of those dogs look legit embarrassed. 

3. TED Talks. I listen to them all day at work and I always have the feeling that, I too, can share my harrowing story of surviving in the DR Congo as a child soldier, and then later,  how I overthrew a dictator while developing a new technology to bring clean drinking water to under-developed nations...all in a 20 minute speech. Y'all need to listen and be inspired, seriously. 

4. Sunflower seeds. You guys rock. I eat so many of you my cheek shrivels up in protest  from all the salt. I realize I look like a squirrel with my mouth packed full of you treasures, but I don't care. My love for you will never fade, except for when a coworker comes to my desk with a question. Then I feel slightly embarrassed. 

5. Apologies. Especially unexpected ones. You are a most welcome thing. You make me feel less crazy and remind me to ALWAYS  trust my gut. Vindication is sweet and tasty. 

6. Ryan Gosling memes. Or anything related or to about that beautiful man.  (And while I'm at it, the "Ermehgerd" girl never gets old.) Boyfriend loves me so much, and appreciates my obsession so well, that he has started growing a beard and parting his hair on the side like this lovely specimen of masculinity. I'll restrain myself to three memes this time. Feast yo eyes: