Big Girl

So there are only two actual bathrooms in the office I work in. Usually, there is a waiting line which, for some reason, is super awkward to me. I was patiently waiting my turn, trying not to pee my pants, when the door opened and it was now my turn. My heart stopped when I saw it floating in the toilet: an unflushed turd.  I tried to flush the toilet, but to no avail. How is this my life? “If I walk out now they’ll think I was the sick freak that doesn’t know how to flush a dang toilet,” I told myself. My next thought went to an excerpt I read from a David Sedaris book, where he was at a dinner party and found himself in a similar predicament when a fellow guest left him to handle their failure to flush. After that, I thought of that scene from Dumb & Dumber…you know the one where the toilet doesn’t work? I had that same look or terror on my face, only it wasn’t my doing.

When I tried to flush the toilet again nothing happened. NOTHING. Then I started getting anxious and all sweaty. This wasn’t my fault! Why wasn’t this stupid thing flushing? Why are there only two bathrooms down here? Why aren’t there any windows in here?  Why did that lady do this to me? Sheesh, lady! At least give me some sort of heads-up about it being broken, then we all could have avoided this and I wouldn’t be dancing around the room trying not to piss myself.  Then I decided to take the lid off the back and try to jiggle some stuff around to help it flush. I’m no handywoman by any stretch; my forte is dealing with blood and gaping wounds. (No barf, though, I’ll puke right along with you.) Well, when I pulled on a chain thing and the water started emptying out the toilet I felt like a freakin’ genius. I quickly and quietly put the lid on the back of the toilet, washed my hands and left the bathroom as fast as I could…forgetting to handle the business I was there for initially.